Have you ever felt insecure of a certain way you look? Or felt so anxious that you just wanna lock yourself up in a room? Because I know for a fact I’ve felt both insecure and anxious for almost my entire high school career. I wasn’t perfect and nor will I ever be because no one ever is. I’ve always had issues with the way I looked back in the day. And I’m not gonna lie I still do till this date but it has gotten better over the years.
Now picture this, a 5’1, slightly overweight, no cross that out, she was really overweight for a 5’1 girl with some nerdy glasses and a bad case of acne all over her face. If you can’t picture her well try a little harder. I’ve never felt beautiful when I was 12 mostly because of the way I looked. It didn’t hit me until my acne got bad to worse to when will I ever grow out of it. I didn’t care much for a diet because let’s be honest, I loved eating pizza, chipotle, fries, burgers, and all the unhealthy shit that I shouldn’t have been eating almost everyday after school. Who am I kidding, I still eat pizza every now and then, (ok maybe I’m lying, 2-3 times a week). Being short never really bothered me because that was the last of my concern. Height was something that I had no control over. However, for the other two, a lot needed to be done.
Feeling insecure is probably the worst feeling ever especially when you’re real young. Why? Because it ruins everything, well at least it did for me. Now if you ask me, I never really cared for boys, relationships, or popularity. I wasn’t bullied nor was I popular. I went to school in a small town in Ohio after moving from New York. Things definitely changed for me after the big move. The feeling of insecurity started when I looked myself in the mirror and wanted to change little things about the way I looked. First thing first was my acne, then my weight, and then poor posture, and then my teeth, and then the hair and then pretty much any little thing that made me feel shitty about myself. One thing I would say to my younger self is not to let the insecurities get the best of you. Every time I wanted to do something, my insecurities would stop me and make me think I’ll never be good enough for anyone. And this is where the anxiety started kicking in.
Now anxiety is another issue that no one should ever go through. I’ve never had really bad anxiety but there were times where, just like my insecurities, will get the best of me. It got to a point where I refused to step out of the house and preferred staying at home all the time. Everyone would go out on the weekends while I was too comfy lounging around in my sweats cooking food. I would think about what would people think of me when they see me, how I looked, and how people will be staring at me because let’s face it, I wasn’t looking entirely my best (at least according to me). I hated my teen years because of my insecurity and anxiety issues. Now I’m not saying everyday was a bad day, I had some good days and some really terrible days. The terrible days were the days I wish I wasn’t so depressed.
My insecurity and anxiety issues followed me all through high school and the beginning years of college. Honestly, I would say that it definitely has gotten better over the years. How so? One thing I’ve always told myself was it’s just a phase, it’ll either soon pass or I’ll grow out of it eventually and that’s exactly what happened. Anxiety is still there but not as bad as my teen years. The days when I did step out of the house I’d have someone with me because I was afraid of going out alone. But now, I’ve gotten used to doing things myself and have been going to places alone and being more independent basically. You guys might think I was being a baby or what’s the big deal but it wasn’t about being a baby. My anxiety would get the worst of me and made me feel the need to have someone like my mom or my younger brothers around when I’d go outside.
I’ve never really talked about my teen years mainly due to the fact that no one would get me and see me as being weird. As I got older I started taking care of myself and deciding if I wanted to change something about myself, I had to do something about it. Nothing is gonna happen overnight and itself. Summer of junior year changed everything. Eventually I started to slowly cut off junk food out of my diet and controlling my meal portions one summer. Weight was beginning to change and I started feeling comfortable about my body. I used to hate my curves but now I’m beginning to like them and accept the way I am. Acne was definitely improving after a little visit to the doctor and some prescriptions. My biggest two insecurity, my acne and weight, were finally being overcomed but it took time, patience and the fact that something had to be done. I didn’t want to live feeling insecure and anxiety for the rest of my life. If I wanted to change, I needed to make a decision and plan on how to do it. Like everything else, it’s a phase that will eventually pass and just like that my major issues of feeling insecure of my body and feeling anxious if going out alone was overcome. Each day after the changes, I’ve decided to have a different outlook in life. I still have insecurity and anxiety issues but they have gotten so much better with time that I feel like the younger me and the now me are two different people. It’s important to accept the way you are. My best advice for the younger girls out there is to never, I repeat NEVER, let your insecurities and anxiety get the best of you. It will ruin your life and prevent you enjoying your younger years because that’s exactly what happened to me. At the end of the day, no one is gonna care about how you look or if people are staring, what matters is what you think and feel.
Now I know this post was longer than intended but this was something that I’ve always wanted to share. My past is what made me today and I couldn’t be more thankful for the phases I went through when I was younger. It made me who I am today and I couldn’t be happier with myself.